This past fortnight I went on a quest for sexual enlightenment. I spent two weeks rifling through the blissfully filthy, the quick and easy and the downright disgusting to bring a little climax back into the lives of myself and my partner.
As time goes on sex can become unnervingly enigmatic in romantic relationships. Or, if your love life is anything like mine, your relationship has been strewn with a rotting daisy chain of obstacles for so long you barely have time to catch a breath let alone pant like a tired dog. In today's tension based, bustling society, we need sex. Otherwise, I fear the human race as we know and typically hate it, may spontaneously implode.
Sex is the apex of being alive, I think. To have the capacity to physically be inside or around another person is kind of great. We breathe erotic literature, live in carnality under the incandescence of our laptop screens at seedy hours of the night and teach sensuality when our children walk in mid-sesh and query "Why are your legs in the air like that Mummy?" It's what sets my relationship with my partner and my boss apart and gives hearty pornography its own industry.
Weeks were passing by without any detectable intimacy, and I became suddenly aware of how the lack of physical connection was penetrating my love life, and not in a good way. My partner and I spent our days in a state of tension, agitation and storm. I forgot what it felt like to have my fingernails clinging to his skin and he forgot the soft curvature of my breasts. With all of this pent up sexual energy and no time in our busy schedules to expend any of it, things were going down on us fast (figuratively speaking, of course).
I couldn't take it anymore. Every inch of my consciousness and my body alike was yearning to be caressed, smothered in hickeys and kisses and fucked into oblivion. Time or no time, there would be a euphoric rapture between the fragments of sex left inside of us, and it needed to happen ASAP.
Turns out, we didn't so much find the time as we did simply make it. Armed with a tingling lubricant and high hopes, we got down to business and did our best not to wreck my hair so I was still readily presentable for the customers at work. We rediscovered each other with an electricity we had never felt before. Every bite, moan and thrust was encapsulated with a wave of craving that left us hot, heavy and delighted in a blanket of each-others' sweat. Sex tore off our mask of seriousness and left it limp beside the muddy rubbish bin waiting for collection. Everyone else faded away into the distance alongside the shrieking children that run my house and the unsettling country jingles that threatened to distract us at his.
It was one hell of a ride, I tell you. It worked out sensationally- my relationship is stronger and sexier than ever and adventure sex is now a real possibility. Sex is a puissant tool not only for maintaining our sanity but also a barrier from Pornhub becoming our most consistent Google search. If you're looking at the postman like he's a slice of chocolate cake or your partner is taking unusually long and vigorous trips bathroom in the middle of the night, odds are you probably just need to get laid.