The thing that shits me about some straight people is how invested they are in their opinions about queer sexuality. It is as if they think there is a rulebook to being a gay man, and when you break the rules it sends them into a tailspin. It’s all very oh, he said he was gay but he doesn’t even HAVE H.I.V. so how can we even be sure, really? It's as if I act this way and fuck guys just so I can touch a lot of boobs in public and not get married. FUN.
But nothing upsets them more than when you are gay and boring.
I served someone at work on Valentines Day and they asked me if I had any plans. I answered honestly, ‘No, nothing Valentines specific. Just going out with a few friends.’ She jolted up, eyes widening, and asked me if it was because I was gay. She pointed to the Valentines decorations and said, ‘Do you people not do all of this?’
I smiled and said, ‘Oh, no, we do it, I’m just not into it personally.’
‘Well that’s dull’, she said and she left. As she walked out of the store, I wanted to call out and tell her that fun gays do exist. Gays that have sex and are outgoing and exciting to be around. Gays that regale with their exploits and experiences. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry I didn’t meet her standards; that I was sorry I wasn’t the gay that she wanted. I wanted to tell her that the only reason I know I’m not that type of person is because I’ve tried it. Once.
It didn’t go well.
I was exceptionally drunk and had just gotten home from a night out with friends who were literally all couples. I’d never felt more alone or in want of attention in my life. At one point during the night there was a guy looking at me from across the bar. I looked back, he smiled. I smiled, and I thought, hey, let’s go for it. I took a sip of my drink and missed my mouth. When I looked up, the guy was gone.
I lay in bed for a while, too jittery to sleep and then opened up my laptop and looked for porn. I was horny, tired and wanted to feel good about something. As I was scrolling through some videos, a pop up for a cam-site came up. There was a middle aged man with greying hair at his temples staring into the camera. He had no shirt on and was listening to some Top 40 radio show. He was from Romania. His display name was something ridiculous like, ‘LongDick6969’.
LongDick6969: Hey G1
I realised I was G1- Guest 1. I responded. I don’t know why I did it, but the room was spinning and I was in my underpants. I bit my bottom lip trying to think of what to say. I thought of the drink that I’d spilt there earlier. I decided that I was going to make someone want me no matter what the cost.
Guest 1: Hi
LongDick6969: HRU, bb?
Guest 1: Good.
LongDick6969: What’s your name?
Guest 1: Jeremy
LongDick6969: Hot name.
Oh, this guy is smooth, I thought, I can’t think of a less hot name than Jeremy.
Guest 1: Thanks…
LongDick6969: no prob, hun.
Guest 1: How are you?
LongDick6969: Horny bb.
LongDick6969: You horny? You wanna play?
LongDick6969: I need to cum.
Longdick6969: Let’s PLAY.
Guest 1: Play what?
LongDick6969: Whatever you like, bb. What you like, hun?
Guest 1: What do you like?
Longdick6969: mmmm anything, bb.
He started rubbing his chest and playing with his nipples. He was my dad’s age and I thought about if my dad would ever do that and then vomited little in my mouth. I swallowed it back down.
Longdick6969: I want to use this.
He pulled out a massive orange dildo. He smacked himself in the face with it and then he hit himself too hard and swore at himself while he rubbed his cheek.
Longdick6969: We in free chat right now, but if we go pvt, G1… I’ll make this disappear.
It was at this point that ‘22’ by Taylor Swift came on, and he exclaimed, ‘I LOVE THIS SONG’ and started lip-syncing it into the dildo for, what I assume was, my pleasure.
Now, I don’t want to overstate this – and really, I don’t think there is any way that I can – but you don’t know drunken loneliness until you’ve had a 50-year-old Romanian man lip-sync Taylor Swift into a dildo for you.
I shut the browser, slammed my laptop screen down, ran to the bathroom and vomited.
Being gay is hard. It makes life difficult in an all-encompassing way, and it’s made all the more difficult by straight people not getting it. It’s hard on your mind, it’s hard on your anus and it’s pretty hard on your liver (evidently).
I can never listen to 22 by Taylor Swift the same way again. And I loved that song.