The Art of Break-Ups


A range of factors can contribute to a split from a friend, long-term partner, or even someone you were ‘sort of seeing’. Regardless of whether the reasoning is the classic ‘we’re just drifting’, or quarter-life crisis ‘I need to be single for Europe’, ending any sort of relationship is generally difficult, painful, and if you’re not careful, pretty embarrassing.

Here are some tips to avoid the latter. 

1.    Stay away from the scissors. The break-up bangs will not look sexy. You regret getting a fringe every single time, because it only looks good when your hairdresser blow-waves it to perfection and you frolic away channeling Zooey Deschanel for a day and a half. Especially don’t attempt it yourself. 

2.    Feeling shit is a part of the process. Change is hard and uncomfortable, especially when it comes to our relationships. The lack of billowing bottoms and airy gloriousness on my calves in the transition from flares to skinny jeans several years ago also took some getting used to, but probably worked out for the better.

3.     Finding an excuse to talk is probably useless
. Regardless of whether you’re on the instigating or receiving end of an uncomfortable conversation, if things have ended, they’re not the person for you to depend on anymore; at least not until you’ve established some distance and can comfortably friend zone them without it stinging. In the mean time, don’t keep chasing someone who in your moments of clarity is about as good for you as three-day old sushi. 

4.    Be wary of technological devices. It is unlikely that the perfectly drafted dramatic text message is going to change an uncomfortable situation. Also, stop your self-imposed torture of stalking their Facebook and put your phone away, unless it is to install the app ‘Don’t Dial’ and save what is left of your dignity. They don’t need to know that you’re krumping with strangers at your shared hangout. Your attempt at going ‘fuck you, I’m moving on!’ just makes you look like an idiot and trying to prove as such is counterintuive to the entire process. 

5.    Remember there is a world outside of said individual. We should all have friends that tolerate shameless weeping, who will pull you out of bed and away from watching ‘500 Days of Summer’ again. These types of friends should also tell you that your explanation that you’ve suddenly developed a profound understanding of Adam Sandler singing ‘Love Stinks’ in the Wedding Singer is ridiculous. Remember that other people have their own shit going on, that there is a world outside of your bubble, and being pathetic is only cute for so long. 

After a while, time heals. There will arrive a point where you realise that this person no longer dominates your actions, thoughts or future decisions. If it’s meant to be it will happen, if not, you will be fine, and can look forward to going through the whole process again, albeit with a less fortunate haircut if all goes pear-shaped.  

Ain’t love grand.